It’s only been a few days since Christopher left, but it really has felt like a long time.

I have to say however, that though he is far away, and I always wish he were with me, I’ve been very lucky to be able to call him whenever I need/want (the Skype phone he left me and his skype credit on his account have really come in handy) and in that way we’ve remained connected and I don’t feel like he’s too far away at all.

I’m also surrounded by very loving roommates and other friends who keep me from ever being lonely. I think I annoy them by mentioning him all the time but I think to a certain extent, they miss having him around too. It’s always nice having a man around the house.

I miss him most when I go to his now nearly empty apartment and am reminded that he is not there. It’s hard to give that place up because even though I’ve always had my own bed somewhere else, that was *our* place, the place where we built _us_, and I have a really hard time leaving it behind. It’s difficult having to move myself out of that place because it’s one of the last remaining physical reminders of his presence here but otherwise, the crying has been minimal and overall, I’m more filled with a positive anxiousness to talk to him/see him/be with him again than I am with emptiness and loneliness because he is gone. I miss him, but not in a way that fills me with loneliness, despair and sadness as it might have for me in the past. This is a whole new way of missing a special loved one that I don’t think I’ve experienced before.

I had originally thought that I would have to disconnect myself from him in order to be happy being here while he is there. I anticipated feeling left behind, and stranded in a place that I would rather leave so I could move on to a new life with him. But as it turns out, I love my life here, even when he is gone, and I am not wishing I could leave it behind for him like I thought I would. I only look forward to him returning so I can continue to share my love for my life with him. In fact, I think I look at the “me things” that I’d took for granted before in a whole new light and my love and appreciation for them is renewed because I need them more in my life now.

As always, I’d prefer to continue sharing every part of it with Christopher, but the fact that I am still finding a lot of joy in my life here without his physical presence is a big change for me.

I think this separation is much harder on Christopher at the moment because he has lost every semblance of what he considered home since leaving China and is having to rebuild a place from scratch without me, but also without an actual place to settle into yet. It’s a new place, with new challenges and it’s even more daunting to have to do it with a companion. I, on the other hand still have the familiarity of home, albeit not the one that was mine and his, but the one that is mine and my roommates and life here without him is not as daunting as I thought it would be.

I do understand, however, that the only reason for such a relatively easy transition on my part is because I know that I haven’t lost him and will not need to force myself to disconnect myself emotionally from him. This is not a breakup. This is only a temporary separation. It really makes a world of a difference to know that he misses me and wants me back in his daily life just as I do and that we’re doing everything we can to be back together again. It’s comforting to know that there are other acceptable ways for me to love him and miss him that don’t involve simply pining for his presence. While he did leave a gaping hole in my life physically and I would give anything to be able to hold him and take away his homesickness, I’ve still been able to devote all my energy into loving him and planning for our future together.

That’s the wonderful thing about it: though we are apart, we are not without each other. On the contrary, it’s given us even more purpose, more reason to focus all our energy on building our lives around each other.

In this case, absence really has made our hearts grow fonder. And that’s how I know it’s real.

Christopher and I found ourselves at the Beijing airport on a significant occasion once again. This time, however, instead of marking the beginning of his time in China with me (after 4 months of us getting to know each other long-distance), today marked the end, or more, a pause, to our China life together.

Today, Christopher left for San Bernardino for graduate school. I, on the other hand, am still here, living the Beijing life solo for a while. He’ll have a 3 month semester, we’ll meet up briefly in December, he returns for another 3 months before finding another way to come back to Beijing until I can leave with him for the next school year. 3 months at a time is just a drop in the bucket, I know, but it’s the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make.

The decision was finalized just over a week and a half ago. What a lot can change in just 10 days.

Though it may be a complete surprise for many (because I haven’t mentioned it till now), it wasn’t for me. Christopher had been deferring his acceptance at this exceptional program ever since he made the decision to move to China to learn Chinese and to be with me. I was aware that there was no postponing going to this particular school for this particular program past this semester. A few months back, before there was any talk of separating, the thought had occurred to me that I might have to give Christopher up for a little while so he could pursue this future-building path. I mentioned it to Christopher then, and I knew there was a chance, but it was pushed aside (at least in my mind) until summer came and it became increasingly hard for Christopher to stay in China (due to visa issues during the Olympic period) and the lack of a good job/internship that would actually be worth something in the long run.

Still, all the way up to the point where the decision was finalized, and even a little past then, all we did was find ways/reasons/excuses for him to stay in China - besides me. It’s difficult to find a good job within China that both pays the bills and counts for something in the long run without being fluent in Chinese. English teaching while learning Chinese is a common existence for many a foreigner here, but for Christopher and I, that would have been stalling for even longer just to be together for now, and at the cost of a top-notch graduate program that is completely in line with his career plans - and plans for our future together.

The uncertainty caused a great turmoil for while. I didn’t know whether he was staying or leaving, or what the plans were for our future together or if/when we’re getting engaged/married eventually. I had expected to be engaged by the end of Summer (after previously expecting or hoping to be engaged in December, then in March, then by my birthday in June, and then in Singapore in August). When the new school year began for me and I was unable to make concrete plans for the year ahead, I really struggled. In this period of decision making and confusion, I experienced a lot of hopelessness and aimlessness. The future was one big blank slate and all I could do was try to convince myself to focus only on being grateful for Christopher’s companionship on a day-to-day basis and not think too much of where we were headed (and how fast/slow). The insecurity caused so much hurt and drama and attacked the very foundation upon which our relationship was built. We managed to weather through that somehow, but it did leave us both shaken for a long time.

When Christopher finally let me know of his decision to move to California at the end of September, we cried together. I knew it was something he had been thinking about, but as I hadn’t seen much of the preparations that were being done, I started to hope that maybe he had changed his mind and would choose to stay with me instead. Facing the new reality ahead of us was a scary thing for me to do, and in the next few days, I was wracked with all kinds of emotions cycling through my system.

My first reaction was intense sadness at the thought of having to be far away from him. But my second emotion was gladness. It was good to finally have a direction with concrete time frames and clear expectations. There was a sort of calm that settled over me just being able to see a future - any kind of future. I did realize that in order for the relationship to progress, Christopher would need to be in a place where he could do more future-building than he has been able to do here. But it’s not that easy to be brave. Oh how I cried.

And then, there came the despair. I felt like Christopher leaving was like taking the salt out of my food and I just couldn’t imagine how I would be able to continue with my home so far away from me. It truly felt as though I would be losing Christopher completely, and I was sure that I would have to disconnect myself from him completely if I were to have any semblance of happiness here while he was somewhere far away. Those few awful days, I felt like Christopher and I weren’t just going to be physically separated, I expected us to fall apart and breakup because of the distance. Though he was still here, I felt like he had already left and we had been disconnected even if it was me who had disconnected myself from him.

Then, there was anger. This is not what I signed up for, I thought. I was upset that this was expected of me, angry that I would be left behind and that Christopher didn’t choose to prioritize us being together. I was infuriated at the thought it being construed as a much-needed “growing experience”. I didn’t want to think that I needed it and didn’t like how it was forced upon me. I felt like I had earned not having the need to ever be separated from the person I loved ever again after having been left to be single so many times in past relationships. I’d done the alone thing enough, I shouldn’t have had the need to do it anymore. I felt like I had earned some sort of medal for all the battle wounds I incurred from the pas and it had been taken from me. I was incredibly frustrated at the whole situation, but the anger couldn’t be directed at anyone specific because ultimately I knew that it was the right decision. It just made it all the more hard to shake it.

Numbness followed next. Numbness and apathy. I couldn’t cry after that, even though I wanted to. I wanted to go back to being angry or even despairing, but that had all been emptied out. I would tell people about it matter-of-factly, as if it didn’t make a difference to me whether or not he stayed or left.

That’s why it was impossible for me to write about this before. If I thought about how I was feeling one day, the next day it would be different and I would have to explore and deal with a completely new problem. I also didn’t have the need to talk about it with anyone else but Christopher and would only very unwillingly answer questions if people asked.

I no longer remember how all the negativity eventually dissipated. I know I had to decide to enjoy my time with Christopher while I had him, instead of making this already difficult decision even more painful for him. I never doubted the decision - I almost wished I had - but I couldn’t cause Christopher to doubt it in my confused ball of emotions. I still would hit pockets of intense sadness when the imminent move became more and more real and inescapable, but they wouldn’t last long.

Where I ended up eventually, was a miraculous calm acceptance of the circumstance. Maybe a subconscious “stepping up to the plate” of duty on my part. We both know that we want to see this through and make this - us - work out. If that is to happen, there can be no room for insecurity on my part, no doubt about our direction, no wavering in our determination to spend our time finding our way back to each other.

On Sept 20-21, on what we count as our 1 year dating anniversary (since I guess the 4 months of long distance now no longer count for anything), we went up to the Great Wall again with most of the other church members on an annual excursion. It was my 4th time going to this same section of the wall but it is a special place to me. The year before, this was where Christopher and I had our first kiss. Initially, Christopher’s flight was booked for the Friday before this weekend, and I was utterly disappointed. Not just because he wasn’t planning to be around for anniversary, but mostly because he didn’t think of it as the perfect place to propose to me as I did. He decided to change his flight to have one more weekend with me, but I still cried anyway knowing that I had created a false expectation and found myself disappointed yet again. Christopher was never planning on proposing here on the perfect day at the perfect place in my mind.

The weekend was enjoyable though. It was good to get away from the city and be in this beautiful place. We spent the night together under the stars on the wall with the other YSA and the youth. On Sunday, there was a perfect moment of just the two of us being together away from the rest of the group. It was a wonderful moment, but it ended with me crying again because I realized as time went on that I had still been hanging on to the little bit of hope that he would pop the question.

We left the Great Wall and all I could think about was my “conspicuously naked ring finger”. The only thing to keep me from being too weighed down was my next evil plan: to either find and steal this engagement ring that he’s supposedly had on him for a while now or just where my fake one and create a big fat lie about how he proposed to me on the wall. I wished that I had executed my initial idea of stealing the ring and proposing to him myself at my perfect time and perfect location. It gets old, multiple people asking me every week if I have any news and I have nothing to tell them, except that I share their disappointment.

It’s ridiculous how wrapped up in a little formality I’ve gotten. It seems so superficial, needing an engagement ring and a proposal to validate my relationship. At first I thought I just wanted a ring on my finger so that others could see exactly what it is Christopher and I mean to each other. That was a big part of it, but mostly, I never realized how much I relied on something so concrete for myself.

Christopher and I still not engaged. He hasn’t “popped the question” and there’s still to many variables before we’ll be able to plan on the logistics of marriage, but, in our own, strange, way, we have given each other the reassurance and a concrete commitment of our futures to one another that we need to see these few months through. He found a compromise that left me childishly grinning and jumping for joy. It’s surprised me (and annoyed me) how significant a little thing can be, but all I needed was a little evidence that it would only be a matter of time, and that is what I have with me while he is away.

—————————

We said goodbye this morning, nearly 12 hours ago. It’s been a hard day.

The goodbye wasn’t romantic all the way through as I might have imagined up in days past. It was a stressful move for Christopher, with lots to get done and lots of people to spend time with before he had to leave. The odd thing about it was that I wasn’t the least bit resentful of the lack of alone time we got together the night before he had to leave.

I hadn’t cried very much since the emotional craziness I initially experienced. I got sad and let some tears out, but I was otherwise very collected for a lot of it. The first big pang came when we walked out of Christopher’s apartment with his suitcases and I looked inside knowing that even when he did come back, that this house wouldn’t be our home anymore. Even though my bed is down the street from his apartment, this was my home too, and only a little bit of him remains strewn about in the house now.

It wasn’t an extremely teary goodbye for me as far as airport departures go. But there were points when I thought that I would never let him out of my arms.

After he left, all I wanted to do was ride home alone on the bus so I could cry but I had 2 friends with me who had also come to say goodbye and we ended up cabbing back together instead. The bleak, cold, rainy weather didn’t help the emptiness I was feeling.

When I finally got back to his apartment, the floodgates were finally released and I had the first real cry in a long time. A light had been left on and when I returned, it looked as though someone was in the living room. It hit me then, that I would look for him every time I come to this apartment and that I would never find him here again.

I still had to go in to work. The babies lifted my spirits, but all I wanted to do was go home and be sad. By the time the work day was done (only 2.5 hours later) however, I did everything I could to delay going home. I dragged my feet and walked a little slower. Now that Christopher is gone, there is no one left to hurry home to at the end of the day. I made myself plans to go out shopping for a webcam for us, but on the way to the bus stop, I passed my apartment and decided to make a stop there to see my roommate, Leru.

Boy was that the best thing I could’ve done with my day.

It’s good to know that I’m not completely lost and homeless. As painful as this is, this is probably the easiest separation I’ve ever had. Previously when a boyfriend left, our relationship would end, and I would have to rebuild my life from scratch. Everything I had lived on was now gone and there would be both purposeless and loneliness. This time, I have even more purpose than ever, and though I want to give all that up just to have him here, I do have family here still. I have 2 roommates to go home to everyday, people to cook and eat meals with, work and play together. I am so grateful for them.

Planning becomes so much more important when you are without the constant companionship of your best friend in the world. Before, all I needed to have a good evening was to go home and be with Christopher. Now I am again looking for things to schedule each day with so the time in between talking to Christopher will pass quicker. There will be plenty of writing, reading Wild Swans (though it won’t last me 6 months, or even 3), I suspect cooking will become my new obsession, there will be errands and shopping to do, and people to invite over and activities to coordinate. There will be travel, as much as all I’ll think about is how I wish Christopher were there no matter where I go, but I have to do all these things to distract myself from just pining away into nothingness.

Eventually, I left the loving, happy companionship of Leru at my house and came back to Christopher’s apartment. As much as I needed the lift and the reminder of all the great things I still get to enjoy without Christopher around, I still needed to be sad, and to miss him, and to cry. So here I am in this house, still sitting up every time some neighbor opens their grilled door, as if it’s Christopher coming home. I miss him terribly. How much I cannot describe. It’s just not the same without him.

I think a lot of it hasn’t hit me yet. I know I will adapt. I imagine myself living independently like I used to, knowing that I can do it, but only half realizing that we’ll be apart for as long as half the span of time we were together. We built our lives together for a year, and now I have to do 6 months of halfway being independent while still needing him in my every day life. I don’t really understand how it will be done.

And yet, I am not lonely unless I choose to be. My whole world isn’t collapsing and I continue to have so much going for me here. I used to think that the one who got left behind had the hardest time because it would be very obviously missing a huge piece unlike the one leaving, who would be so wrapped up in the new environment that never previously had a place for the one he left behind. In this case, I think Christopher has had the harder part, leaving behind this life which he loves here is so painful. Only one of the many things I love is lost, and by some miracle, I’d set up my life in such a way that when Christopher left, I would miss him, but I wouldn’t be left emotionally and socially destitute. That is truly a feat for me.

This is the time for both of us to figure out where the other belongs in our lives and in what quantity but the only loss is physical in nature. He said over and over that this will make us so much stronger and bind us together. I don’t know how it’s done, but this is the strongest I have ever been.

There are still lots of scary things ahead, most of which is having to deal with life on my own first, before I can run to him for emotional support. I no longer will have Christopher to act as a buffer from myself. I and I alone will have to deal with my weaknesses - and that takes all the courage I have. Still, I look forward not with fear, but with hope.

Like I’d said, *I* couldn’t ever do this, but *we* can.

See if you can catch them.

mispell

acknowledgement

peice

independant

refridgerator

grattitude (I lost in a spelling bee for this one)

existance

unecessary

ammount

extention

smoothe

curiousity

concious

accross

judgement

irresistable

dissappointed

refering

definately

As seen on CNN

“Fay weakens to tropical depression”

To which Christopher commented: “How appropriate.”

I am getting really tired of hearing “I don’t know… grad school, I guess” as the reply to the question “So what are your plans after college?”

Once upon a time, graduate school was to me an impressive status symbol. In my mind, only intellectuals and achievers went to grad school. These were the people who found a way to make things happen for them, people who knew what they wanted with their lives and how to get it.

Now, while completing a 4-year degree and getting yourself into and through grad school takes a kind of determination that I can only admire, and I have no doubt most people in grad school really love what they are doing and a good portion are _really_ there as a strategic career move, I am still a lot less impressed whenever I hear of graduate school as part of the “plan” nowadays. To me, I no longer see a determined achiever with a plan in mind. I simply see somebody who is lost and is buying time - with lots and lots of borrowed money.

It just seems like grad school is the default track college graduates these days go on whenever they don’t know what to do with their degree/life. It’s a nice 2 year postponement of having to make any major life decisions while still feeling like you’re really doing something impressive at the same time. And grad school will always be impressive to me - I understand. I love school. I understand the choice of returning to academia, I just know that it’s not for the reasons they should be or are claimed to be for so much of the time. Don’t call it a practical career move when you still don’t really have a career in mind.

I know the job market is getting more and more competitive and grad school does really give you an edge. I know that there are many graduate programs that really prepare you for specific careers, but I also know this much: if you don’t have a clear plan with what you’re going to do with your undergraduate degree and don’t decide beforehand what you’re going to do with your graduate degree, you’re going to be just as lost when you come out.

But what do I know. I am just a preschool teacher and though thoroughly happy with my job now (and in a place where I’m starting to feel pretty good at many aspects of it), if I didn’t have to go through 6 more years of school, I would really consider looking into becoming a relationship counselor.

That’s not really the point of this post that pokes at just about every single person I know.

What I was trying to point out is that I am surrounded by people who are lost and don’t really know what to do with their lives. Grad school is just one of the ways in which we try to find ourselves. Some join the military, some go on missions, others come to China. One way on another, we are all trying to figure out what it is we’re supposed to do as adults in “real life”. We’re all living the “dreadful decision decade” but none of these career-based decisions really give us any lasting satisfaction. How many college graduates quit their first “real job” (sometimes their dream job) within the first year only to be lost again, with travel and grad school next on the list - more postponement of actually having to work at a job? Nobody is really “stuck” at this stage, but the option of making drastic changes only confuses us further. Where is this fulfillment, happiness and contentment we are supposed to have?

And that’s really what this is all about, wandering around, pretending to make “career advancement” decisions to improve our quality of life when really, what we’re looking for isn’t something to complete us, but someone. Someone to commit to, to anchor us, and to give us the kind of resolve, purpose and direction that no class or job could ever replace.

“Real life” doesn’t really begin until you have more than yourself to think about.

It’s not quite as glamorous as we’d like it to be but ultimately, the most satisfaction in life is found in the sacrifices we’ve had to make for our family and those around us. As much as our civilization tries to deny it, inside we all know that family lies at the center.

It’s an interesting place for me to be, just in the gray area between family life and single-hood. There’s still lots of room to develop myself in the world of education and employment, but I can drop all the pretenses of trying to build a life just based on that. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have found my “someone”. On the other hand, I still need to learn how not to completely lose myself in my relationship with Christopher, to keep up those “me” things that are fulfilling and important in the grand scheme of things.

And I guess that’s why I wrote this blog post.

Wow.

We had to come all the way to Singapore to see Dark Knight in a theater. I thought I would be so horrified by the darkness and violence that I would hate it and watch only half of it through my fingers. And sure enough, there were many, many scenes where I had to bury my head into Christopher’s chest until the horror went away.

The movie shook me to my core and left me clutching Christopher’s arm, trembling and crying all through the credits at the end.

I was frozen. I refused to get up and walk out. I just had to let that tsunami of emotions torrent through my body completely and let the message of that movie take its course through every vein of my body.

Make no mistake about it: It was the most _INCREDIBLE_ movie ever written.

The ingenious mastermind of every move each player made, the way the lines were written and the depth with which each character was acted and portrayed, the magnitude of the power in the message… I could go all night about why this movie has made a place in my top 10.

To me, Dark Knight was a Great and Terrible movie. It has a space right next to Fight Club in evoking a lasting response from me. Except this one was by far more meaningful. And I really might consider trying to watch it again. I think I will need to, to be able to truly learn what I was meant to from this movie.

The amazing thing about this movie, was that it wasn’t about Batman or how he kicks everyone else’s butt in awesome ways as all Superhero movies are about (though there was plenty of payoff in that regard). No, in this movie, Batman was a subplot in a movie that was really about the fight between good and evil, order and chaos, despair and hope, and humanity’s relationship with its heroes. It was about one man’s sacrifice so the world could have the hope that they need.

Batman was really just a symbol, a character we could all understand.

I might have nightmares tonight. Thinking and talking about it brings me back to being very deeply shaken and moved (but in the kind of way only someone as masochistic as myself would love). Still, think about it I must, and talk about it I must.

And that’s how you know, that it was a spectacular, mind-blowing, life-changing movie.

10 stars, Christopher Nolan. 10 freaking stars.

S for simple.

That’s what I told Lindsay about Christopher and I when we were last chatting.

Writing here is something that I should have made a higher priority. Christopher has been gently encouraging me to write in all my absence from my blog but it was really difficult to come back after such a long sabbatical from writing. I was out of touch with my audience, overwhelmed by all the events I had missed the boat on writing about, yet not really feeling that I had anything new to say. The main problem, I discovered when I finally made time to write last week, was that I was so out of touch with myself.

Time for introspection has been in short supply by my own doing. Determined to spend every single one of my waking moments with Christopher, where work and life permits, I have been eating into any alone time that would have been spent on collecting and organizing before writing them down. And because I hadn’t spent this time to regularly clean out my closet of thoughts and emotions, when I finally did write last week (after very reluctantly saying goodbye to Christopher when he went to the gym to workout with a friend) everything came spilling out on top of me and I was too overwhelmed to know how to deal with the intensity of all the thoughts emotions I had been only half acknowledging this entire time. That became a private post.

I thought that I didn’t need to write here anymore because the only person who I really need to hear my thoughts is Christopher, and since I tell him everything and am completely myself around him, there is no longer a need for the world to know who I am. But what I learned is that putting all your laundry away in a basket isn’t the same as cleaning, organizing and putting them away. Eventually the pile got so big that though I was able to ignore it for a while, the basket got overwhelmed and there was no more room in it for the dirty laundry that I refused to deal with.

I realize now that this whole time I should have written for no one else but me, public or private. The discovery I made the last time I wrote was that much of the insecurity I had been battling over the last few months was because I hadn’t taken the time to deal with myself, to listen to myself and to accept and love myself despite my often flawed perceptions and emotions. I had made loving me and dealing with me Christopher’s responsibility alone and because there was a lack of ownership for who I’d become, it took a definite toll on our relationship. Not perhaps, an immediately obvious threat, but the unhappiness I felt (which at first seemed to have an unclear source, but which I later found out was unhappiness with myself) definitely burdened us and hung around our necks like an invisible millstone.

I wrote this about me to a good friend just the other day: My lack of desire for alone time really needs to be tempered. I never give myself any, even though I know it actually does do me good when I do have just a little. It’s always inflicted like a punishment, but enjoyed like a sickness that forced you to take the day off work.

I need to learn to seek out that time for introspection and reflection, for regrouping and working on the half of Christopher and I that is mine.

I also have the tendency to forget that a lot of people out there have no idea how I am doing. I think that just because I sporadically update Facebook that other people always know what is going on with me. I’ve definitely become a lot more private of a person, but only because I am completely wrapped up in the Christopher and Faye life that I forget to include other people more often than not.

Another major reason for not writing is that I dislike having to present Christopher’s and my relationship anything but perfect, thinking that by showing weakness, our compatibility would be judged and questioned by others. Mostly, I think that in my unacknowledged embarrassment about myself in all my doubt and insecurity, I was afraid that I would be judged as undeserving of a man as wonderful as Christopher.

A source of frustration for me that caused an awful lot of drama, was that I’d felt stifled, stagnated and direction-less because of my unfulfilled desire to concretely take things to the next level with Christopher i.e. no, we’re still not engaged. We’ve been together in person for 10 months now and the getting to know you process began 14months ago. Part of it has been figuring out the when/where/how of getting married for both of us. There are so many things to take into consideration. Where should this be? How can both our families be there? How soon can we get a visa? When can we relocate so Christopher can go to grad school? How can we pay for it?

How can we get engaged if we don’t even know when we can get married? Eloping sounds really appealing right now. Unfortunately that complicates the visa process and also some family relationships.

But it’s more complicated than that.

There was an incredible amount of confusion on my part because I’d expected something to happen during December of last year, after he’d been here for only 3 months. For me, just knowing that I loved him was enough to promise to be his for all time and eternity. If we know we’re planning on getting married and are practically married anyway, why wait? I’d rather work out all the little kinks while we’re married and at least get a few more perks from this whole relationship business and then I’ll stop having to go back to my apartment every night (I will forever and ever hate having to leave home to sleep in another apartment) and we can save on rent etc.

Every Sunday at church since he’s come to China, somebody asks me “So is it serious?” and since then it’s become “So are you engaged yet?”

First, I very simply and concretely wanted to have a ring on my finger so that people could immediately know that I belonged to him and maybe understand the level of commitment we have to each other. And then it turned into probably the only way I wanted him to show me that he loved me. It really is hard for me to understand, this process of becoming ready to be engaged/married. I thought (and probably still think) that you date just long enough to be yourselves around each other and find out if he/she is the person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with - and then you get engaged. This “getting to know you” process doesn’t take longer than half a year. Especially if you spend every moment of every day that you can with each other.

I felt upset that I had already foolishly given him so much on the assumption that we WOULD be getting married when in reality, he hasn’t even actually asked me.

In my mind, the lack of a proposal meant that he was still unsure about us, or worse, that he was waiting for me to change something, for me to grow up a little perhaps, before he “popped the question” and I felt that I would never become what he wanted before he would decide I wasn’t ever going to change and would leave me for someone else. And with every insecurity-caused drama episode that would come up, I felt like maybe he would change his mind about marrying me and that it would set us back even longer.

As the months went by, and I kept waiting, every moment wondering “Maybe now… now would be a perfect time to ask me to marry you” and would find myself disappointed time after time. I would bring it up often, and the discussion would only end in tears. I stopped bringing it up everyday after a while, much to his relief. But I continued to create “landmarks of time” in my head, creating expectations of timing that were unexpressed to him and waiting to see if it would happen then. Most of my birthday in mid-June was ruined already long before I got to it because I learned that on my birthday I wouldn’t get what I wanted most. And yet, still on the day itself, I hoped against hope, getting myself to believe that he had led me to think he wouldn’t propose so that he could surprise me with it. I set myself up for disappointment, but more than anything, set him up for failure to give me a happy birthday.

I felt like instead of having a sure and happy projection of our future together, all I saw was empty bleakness of routine that would go nowhere. I will admit that what attracted me to Christopher - and all relationships in general - was the prospect of change and here we are, still living the China life that I had set up for myself from a couple of years ago. I looked to milestones to mark progress and the next one for me would be engagement, then marriage, then children. Without any sign of that happening soon, I felt stuck and very, very frustrated. And it really hurt him, I think, the fact that I only saw this time with him as “downtime” - wasted time where I was just waiting for the next milestone and refused to see any progress we were making as a couple that he felt was getting us closer. All this time he felt he was spending to make us stronger, I felt was causing us to drift further apart.

One thing that I’ve learned that has changed my perspective a little is the difference in our relationship to one another. While on my end, there has never been any space between us since he moved here, and I have given as much of myself as I can from the very beginning not feeling like my love for him has really changed (though it has deepened in understanding and our foundation has become stronger), for him, this has been a process of learning to trust me and to let me in more and more. For me, I am either on or off, all or nothing, and the idea of this being a process thoroughly confuses me, but I know I need to make room for understanding him and perhaps instead of expecting him to always reassure me about us, that he needs my confidence and reassurance as well.

To cause you to think that this drama has been resolved would be dishonest though. A lot of the insecurities have been overcome, but I’m still waiting. The difference, I suppose, is that I am no longer waiting for our relationship to END, as I had subconsciously been doing before and I’m not really waiting for us to begin either, and instead am learning from him to savor who we are for what we are instead of loving us for what I expected and desire us to be.

But I still am waiting for the moment. The 2 weeks we’ve had together while I’m off for the summer has been some of the most wonderful ones we’ve shared. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved and treasured and more confident about us ever before and every moment of bliss, I still find myself thinking, willing “Ask me now. Now would be a perfect time to ask me.” I’ve again created another invisible deadline: the end of Summer. We’ll have this whole conversation again if we’ve made no progress by September.

It’s been serious immaturity on my part, but it is still difficult for me to watch other couples, friends of ours, meet, get engaged and marry in the short time that I’ve been waiting for it to happen to me too. It is so superficial, but watching friends power on through new phases in life with marriage and kids, I feel left behind when really, what I have right now, is a marriage to me - and has always been, and in many ways, (no offense to friends out there), one that I feel is much stronger than many of the insta-marriages that I have observed. And while I am proud of what I have, and know I shouldn’t feel the need to compare I still do and find myself envious of something so silly as bragging rights. No, Faye, you are really not “behind schedule”, even if you always thought you’d be the first to get married (with my relationship track record, wouldn’t you?), even if my mom already had 2 children at my age, or if Rebbecca got married at 18 like I thought I would and at my age has 2 and one more on the way.

I really have to shake my head at myself sometimes, because if this engagement business is an issue now, I can only imagine the disagreements we’ll have on when to start having kids.

But now, with much of the drama out of the way, with more faith and more understanding, life has been simply wonderful and wonderfully simple for Christopher and I. We’re just going about our daily life things and enjoying doing it together. We are both busy in our callings at church, his Chinese is making some real headway, it’s summer for me and when my Chinese visa process is finally over, we’re going to visit family in Singapore during the Olympics here. Things are going well.

I still find myself wishing I had some good girlfriends here, or other close friends instead of just lots and lots of acquaintances who I barely know and who barely know me. In many ways, my world has shrunk considerably and I’ve found that I’ve really lost my ability to connect to people and have any mutually enjoyable conversations with them. I’ve just become so much less interested in others, completely wrapped up in my own world, always wanting to just be home with Christopher and I suppose it shows. Still, life is good and there is plenty of safety, love, fun and fulfillment in my little world. And in that sense, my world is just as large as it needs to be - for now.

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In other news, here are some major-ish events that have transpired in my absence that I should document.

1) I don’t have cats anymore. Christopher says I gave up on them, but in truth I gave up on myself ever turning into a responsible pet-owner. My irresponsibility (among other things) cost me my apartment, but I was detached from the cats and the apartment long before I lost both, since I’d moved my home and center to Christopher’s and ceased spending enough time there with them. In many ways, I wish giving up the cats was more painful and that I miss them more, but the truth is I brought them into my life because there was a hole and now that the hole had been filled, the only way I could continue to love them is if Christopher could share that love with me. That didn’t work out. Instead now from time to time, I feel a small pang of guilt for not honoring my promise to the cats I brought into my home, and hope that they are happier now than they were with a neglectful owner. I have come to accept the fact that I will never be welcome in cat heaven, but it is true that more than feeling sadness for my loss, I felt relief from burden and responsibility.

2) My daddy came to visit me in Beijing for a week (pictures here). It was just after one of Christopher’s friends from BYU-Hawaii came to visit for 3 weeks, during which time I also hosted a friend at my apartment for 10 days. It was an incredibly busy two months, with first, the Great Wall Swingout Lindy exchange that I helped organize and then organizing a Jinshanling-Simatai Great Wall hiking and camping trip I organized single-handedly for the YSA (in which I got stung by a scorpion and got major bragging rights) and then entertaining more guests. You can’t blame us that much for being severely anti-social after all that.

Having Dad come out to Beijing was a real treat. It’d been a year and half since we last saw each other and the only way we really keep in touch is through our blogs and there has been very little direct communication between us except on video conferences every time a family member has a birthday (which is 8 times a year, but still…) because I’m really bad at calling home and Dad’s not really a person you call just to have a chat with, you know, so it was good to have home brought to me and to watch him experience Beijing in a very different way from our previous guest. It was a good reminder to me of how much I inherit from my father, personality and character wise.

3) The Beijing International Branch split into 2 in April/May, with the families in the suburbs in NE section of town by the airport in one branch and all the rest of us in another. They took all the children and youth, and we kept all the single adults, most of the younger marrieds and their families and seniors. I was really skeptical at first because I loved the families that lived out there so much and I really miss seeing their examples, still, but I’ve seen the amount we’ve all grown as individuals and as a branch because of the split. Everybody is needed in a smaller branch and we’ve seen many members who previously managed to go by unnoticed step up to the plate of responsibility. It’s become a much more tight-knit community - and I’m still not sure how to resolve my habit of calling each member of the branch presidency by their first name. Hey, they do it too!

Because of this split, I have felt the Lord stretch my capacity. I was pulled out of YSA and called as the music leader for the primary. Teaching music to children is a huge part of what I do for a living, so it’s not particularly a daunting calling, but it’s still been a growing opportunity. It’s really helped me be connected to the families and the rest of the branch and it’s been a growing experience for me learning to work with the other primary leaders - I had gotten so used with solely interacting with children at work, stretching that to include their parents, and then with people my age at church and social activities. Now I work with people more ahead in life than I in primary and my visiting teaching list (companion included) is comprised of women who have reached the status of grandmother. Finding a way to relate to all people and connect to them is something I always am working on, and this is a real challenge for me but I’m growing up and feeling more confident. It has affected my relationship with my peers because I’m not “in” on the YSA anymore, but they still help me feel very much like a part of them and strangely look to me as their leader still, which I appreciate. It helps that Christopher is the YSA rep and keeps me connected even if he is social last.

The blessing I received when I was set apart was one of the most powerful ones I have received, and I am glad Christopher stood in and heard it too. It certainly showed me that Heavenly Father is aware of my every single need and desire. How is it that serving in my little calling of leading music time each Sunday will give me the blessing of order in my life (which I always lack and need), strengthened relationships, and a blessing on my professional life? It’s amazing.

4) I have a roommate. She is Chinese, her name is Erica, she’s an ENFJ, and I love her. When settling moving out of our apartment with the landlady, there was this big confrontation which was very emotional for me but Christopher, Erica and her friend were there to support me and be my advocates so I could stand up for myself. That experience left me very shaken and very overwhelmed. The 3 weeks of trying to find a new place to live before we had to move were a nightmare for me as options would whir around in my head - none of them good, no matter how many apartments we saw a day - and I would stress over whether or not I was doing the right thing by refusing to settle for a crappy apartment. After the whole fiasco was over, I lay in bed, just drained, and shaking my head at the fervor in which Erica and her friend had stood up for me, when a lot of that situation was my fault. They stood firmly on my side and never questioned or doubted me. Christopher said something to the effect of “It’s weird having friends who love you, isn’t it?”

This whole time I was waiting for Heavenly Father to throw me a bone, like a nice apartment we could move into that we might even be happier in- instead of having to couch surf after moving out - and it never happened, and I did question the purpose of the whole ordeal and wondered where my help was. But after what Christopher had pointed out, I realized that something I had been really missing and really wishing for this whole time was a close friendship with someone other than Christopher because as much as I would like to believe it, I know that it’s really not enough to just have one other person in the world. Before the whole housing fiasco, I never would spend time with my roommate. In fact, I would go home hoping that she would already be in bed or in her room so I wouldn’t be obligated to talk to her and could go straight to bed. I now understand just how lonely she was and am glad that something changed so that we could get to know each other better. There’s still somewhat of a language and cultural barrier between us, but all in all, Christopher and I are glad to have her and her friend Lee in our lives as our only real Chinese friends (as well as Lee’s dogs, a spitz and a husky) and she is happy to be at the fringes of our social life with the YSA. If financial situation will ever allow, I will get us both to Hong Kong and she *will* learn about the gospel there and love it.

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So I owed the world a long post, and there it is. There have been some crazy ups and downs, pictures to post and other little things that transpired, but these are the few that have had lasting effect on my life as it is right now. And life as it is just couldn’t be better.

Stay tuned for more on my crazy hair and our summer vacation photo shoot project.

So I finally found a place to use the internet here in Hong Kong. I’m sure there’s one closer to where I am staying but I was SURE I could find one here on Nathan road where all the backpackers hang out so I looked harder. Now that I am online though, I’m trying to figure out why I was so anxious to get online to begin with. It was to get a hold of Christopher, but I’m not sure if he would have been able to be online anyway. Oh well. So I’m going to write an email/blog to just talk about the things that have happened so far.

Wow. My Hong Kong trip has been great so far. A lot of little miracles has made this trip smooth sailing.

1) Preparing to Leave
I spent Sunday cleaning (getting ready for Christopher’s return in my absense) and packing while listening to General Conference on my computer. It was pleasantly surprising to receive phonecalls from the YSA who were looking for me at church. They hadn’t seen my on Tuesday for Institute either and it makes sense that they worried a little. It was a crazy week. I’m glad it was conference so I didn’t have to fit church into the schedule.

I left my apartment at 5.30 after making sure the cats had plenty to eat. As it was half an hour later than sceduled, I decided to cab to Dongzhimen where the airport shuttle bus stop was instead of either walking or taking a bus (which would have taken about 20 rinutes either way). Just after I had got some food at McDonalds (for some reason I’d been craving fast food for the past couple of days with no desire whatsoever to eat any cheap Chinese) the bus arrived. Perfect timing.

I got to Terminal 3 at 6.20, lots of time to spare for a 7:50 flight. T3 is a newly opened terminal and it reminds me very much of KLIA, the airport back home. Very large and spacious and modern looking all that jazz. Nothing like the terminal before. Checking in was so painless: my first time with an E-ticket and not checking in any luggage. (A really light back pack and my usual day bag was all I brought). I made the mistake of changing money at the aiport where the rate sucked and there was a RMB50 charge for the transaction. I feel like I’ve been spending uneccessary money left and right on my Hong Kong visa run. First with the plane ticket, next with the passport photo I took at a new place which charged me RMB45(!!!) for 10 crappy pictures of me. My mistake for not asking the price first. They photoshopped all my zits out, and made the background whiter, woo hoo! Sheesh.

Anyway, at the airport, I was so excited to see a Burger King there but since I’d already sold my soul for McDonalds, I got myself a Sundae instead. I am thinking about possibly making a trip out to the airport sometime just for Burger King. Sad huh? Just like when I went all the way out to Ikea for Swedish Meatballs.

Turns out I should have not stayed as long at Burger King with my ice cream and my book. It was a trek yet to the security check and the boarding gate. Fortunately the metal detector stayed quiet for me - some other people had bad luck and were felt up by the security check girl for no apparent reason. However, they did confiscate my little bottle of saline solution I bought and left sealed specifically for that trip and had to pull out my toothpaste and deodorant before running my bag through the Xray again. I thought I was going to be toothpaste and deodorant-les (not the deodorant Christopher brought from the States especially for me!) Fortunately, they put those back in. Phew. So at least my breath and armpits don’t wreak.

I boarded my plane at 7.40. I wasn’t the last one, but it was during the last call. I got a window seat so the couple that had the isle and middle seat had to get up for me to get to my place.

2) Plane Ride
Flight went well. I always use plane rides to look out the window, ponder, think and write while sipping on the orange juice they serve. I prefer that to reading and watching a movie. Much to my surprise and delight, they were serving dinner on the plane! I don’t know why I was surprised. I guess maybe I thought they wouldn’t bother on a 3.30 hour ride. They gave me fish instead of pork like I’d asked, but I figured that since I don’t get fish in my diet very often I should just be grateful for the change. At this point, I’d already had too much to eat, but I love plane food so I pretty much finished it all. It made me glad I hadn’t got a Whopper at Burger King like I was tempted to. Next came ice cream! More ice cream. I hope my neighbors didn’t think me too weird when I got some sprite and made a yummy, foamy, ice-cream float with it instead. Mmm, that was good.

I listened to the last session of General Conference on my ipod after dinner. I really loved the talks and actually paid very good attention up until somewhere soon after the halfway mark when I fell asleep.

When I woke up, we were 1/2 hour from landing. Not a bad way to spend a plane ride, I think.

3) Arriving in Hong Kong.
I arrived at 11.10pm, about 10 minutes earlier than scheduled. After clearing immigration, I smiled to myself at not having to wait for my bag at the baggage claim and headed directly to the ticket counter to buy tickets for the airport express into town. I gave the man my $1000 bill, he gave me a round trip ticket and I started putting my change away when I realized… 100,200,300, 390 - he’d given me change for only $500!!! Not wanting to pay 610 for a train ride, I quickly said something. He apologized, said he probably forgot, told me to wait, made a phonecall. As soon as help came, they closed the booth, sent people away, and started counting up the money they had by punching numbers in the calculator and scribbling equations onto the back of the brochures that they had. I had waited about 20 minutes, and told many customers that they were closed and directed them to another counter that I’d never been to before, when finally, the man just gave me $500 and sent me on my way (even though the accounts were still a complete mess). I thought it was funny that I felt more sorry for him than for me.

So that was my “Welcome to Hong Kong” experience. The ride on the airport express was quick. I barely missed the MTR when I transfered at Tsing yi, but Heavenly Father was watching out for me and I caught THE VERY LAST TRAIN into the Hong Kong/Central at 12.32am.

On the train, I couldn’t help but think how much this place reminded me of Singapore. The only difference I could tell was the language. The Cantonese that was to me like Mandarin when I first went to Beijing - except I understood more.

I’m glad I wrote down Nicola’s detailed directions from the MTR to their apartment. I’d thought I could just figure them out on my own but boy was I wrong. I ended up going out a different exit from where I was directed but walked until I recognized the landmarks she had pointed out. The street the apartment is on, Des Vouex Rd, is a LOOOOOOOOONG one, so I’m glad I had landmarks to help me keep from wandering too far. Basically, when I got to out of the MTR, I wasn’t sure exactly where I was and how to get to where I wanted to go, but I wasn’t alone that night. I just followed “hunches”, kept my eyes peeled for something familiar, wandered just a few short minutes on the narrow streets flanked by TALL buildings that were blinking with neon lights (and that smelled of gutter in the same way Malaysia did - it actually felt very welcoming)and walked right to Central 88 - home - which is a miracle considering I had expected their apartment to be a different direction from the MTR.

They were expecting me. The night guard was very friendly, as Nicola had promised they would be. He turned out to be a Malaysian from Penang. It made me wonder about his life and his story. It was nice to be greeted by someone from home.

Nicola and Andrew’s place in Hong Kong is basically a small hotel suite with a kitchenette, a HUGE TV, a small couch, table for 2 people, a desk, and a short bed in the other room (honestly, how do either of them fit on that bed, much less BOTH?), a room with no doors, but half a wall partitioning them from the living area. Neither Nicola or Andrew are in town so it felt very much like checking in into a suite except that the closets have other people’s stuff in there. I am so very grateful for their hospitality. I know my Hong Kong experience would be much different if I had to look for a hostel in Kowloon at that time of the night instead of being immediately taken into that haven in Central HK.

It was lonely though, I have to say. It reminded me of the very first time I had traveled on my own: leaving Malaysia for BYUH the very first time. Mom had walked me through every detail of the trip. Check in here, security check, gate, board plane. Exit plane, look for the transfer counter, get boarding pass, check your luggage. Transfer to Singapore. Spend the night in a small airport hotel room. Transfer counter again to Japan etc. Last night at the Dougherty’s I was reminded very vividly of my first night away from home alone. I was excited for what the future held. I was proud of myself for having done all that alone. But I was also lonely and the prospect of being an adult and doing things alone like grow ups did was scary - and I cried.

Last night, I wrote in my journal then cried a little, wishing home (i.e. Christopher) could be a little closer. But otherwise, thanked my Heavenly Father for watching over me and for the comforts he had blessed me with all throughout, and slept soundly until Morning.

4) Finding my way around
My immediate goal the next day was to get Visa things sorted out. Unfortunately, I was not able to get myself out of bed at 7am like I had planned and ended up sleeping in till *gulp* 10.30am. REALLY late considering I had planned to be done with Visa things by then. When I got back out to the street, the adventure began again. I hopped on a tram (a “Ding ding”) which stopped right across the street, amazingly had exact change on me for it, but got off a couple of stops too early since I wasn’t sure where we were. No problem. I got myself ripped off for a map at 7-11 (but at least it was a good one with a good tourist information booklet and free - FREE! - postcards) and went from there. Navigating was no problem since I knew exactly which roads to look out for - and they are a lot closer walking than they look on the map, the roads being OH so narrow - and finally found the church building on the corner, as expected, with the visa place just accross the bridge.

5) Visa.
I wasn’t sure where I was supposed to go. But when I saw the line, about 100 people long, I knew I had found the place. To be sure, I asked the last person in line, a middle aged American who looked like he was traveling, what the line was for, .

“The bathroom” he said.
“Are you serious?” I’m gullible, like a good little girl should be. What can I say.
“It’s probably the line you want, for visas.”

I got in line behind him. We made friendly conversation on our visa situations. David, I learned, was originally from New York and then from California, and had been doing export business in Nanning for the past 7 years. We were chatting when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, coming out of the building we were trying to get IN to, a colorful figure, the clothes, the gait -unmistakable- it was Mirjana, my co-worker who I knew would be in Hong Kong sorting out visa issues too!

My new friend was nice to hold my place in line and I ran toward her, giving her the shock of her life. We walked back to my place in line and talked a little about our situations, and because she had been there a whole day before either of us, had some good suggestions to offer about the place. She had got there at 7am (2 hours before they opened) and now, at 11.35 had just gotten out. Yikes. Where would that leave me?

The line wasn’t moving as slowly as we thought, I guess. As it turns out, it was just for the security check. We got in just barely before 12pm when they closed the doors for lunch. Wow.

As soon as we were out the elevators on the 7th floor, there was a moment of confusion “what to do next?” Everybody wanted to be first, so there was sort of a mad dash - for forms, for numbers. I pulled out the crumpled form from my bag that I had already filled back in Beijing, and asked the young man in the suit who seemed to be helping people and asked if it was too crumpled to use. He replied in a strangely refreshing Australian accent, that it would be just fine, gave me a number saying “You’ll just want to keep your eye on the board for your number” and THEN he said “Wait a minute. Take this one instead. It will get you there faster. MUCH faster.” I thanked him and then wandered around before I re-located David who had found a spot in the back corner of the room and was sitting on the floor filling his form.

Turns out, while the numbers being called at the moment were in the 230s, his number was 368 and mine, *298* I have been bumped up SEVENTY spaces. That was about a whole hour’s wait, I think. I made a small joke about cute people getting the edge, but said a silent prayer of gratitude. When I finally got to the counter around 1:30pm, I was told my pickup would be at 3.30pm the next day. If it had been an hour later, I would not be able to catch my flight back into town.

The wait wasn’t bad at all. David pulled out a deck of well-worn cards and taught me how to play Cho Dai Di/ Big 5, the version of Scum with poker hands that all real Chinese people know how to play and that I had learned at my grandmother’s funeral once only to forget after. We played while getting to know about each other’s personal lives more. It made me wonder about how I come across to strangers that I meet like that. I felt a little self-conscious about being such a square in comparison to “normal people” like him. I use replacement swear words, I have according to him a sickeningly cheerful disposition, I teach preschool - which says a LOT about who I am. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t gamble. I have a boyfriend, but we’re not having sex or living together. The list goes on.

Hearing David restate a bunch of things that he had learned about me felt kind of weird. It was as if to him, I was doing everything right. Before he learned that I went to BYU-Hawaii and was LDS, he said something about “Where’s your husband and where’s your 5 kids?”

I know that it’s a good kind of different, but sometimes I really do feel like an alien in this world. It’s easy to forget how different we are when I’m constantly surrounded by people just like me. I hope that I am never ashamed of the kind of different that I am.

6) Church
So the visa experienced turned out to be a journal entry one. Heavenly Father always finds ways to place people in my path. I hope that it was a good experience for David too.

As soon as I had said my goodbyes, I was back out on the street trying to decide what I would do with all the time I had left. I decided to stop by the church building on the corner and pay a visit. It really felt like going home. There were missionaries there! Lots and lots of missionaries! They were watching conference that they, the session I had fell asleep to in the plane. Nobody really was there that day besides the missionaries. We chatted for a little bit (me crushed to find out that there was no Taco Bell in Hong Kong), and I was about to leave when they pointed out a young girl a pair of missionaries were giving a tour of the building to, saying that she spoke Mandarin and if I wanted to help (since they were cantonese speaking missionaries - and their Cantonese was much better than mine, though I surprisingly understood everything they said). It was a weird 3 way conversation. Miao Miao was from Szechuan, working in Hong Kong. The missonaries from the US, spoke Cantonese to her. She spoke Mandarin back. I translated for them into English. It was weird.

She wanted to know about English classes. They then invited her to stay 20 minutes for a little “presentation”. She stayed. We went to the ground floor to watch “Man’s search for happiness” the asian edition - in Mandarin. Before we started, the Missionaries opened with a word of prayer. They actually invited me to pray (and I only half understood their Canotnese invitation), but I wasn’t confident enough to pray in Chinese so I suggested they do it so she could understand. I spent the length of the video trying to work out a Chinese prayer in my head, resolving to improve my Chinese so that I could do that.

They talked about the video briefly afterwards, and the one elder who had done most of the speaking thus far bore his testimony about how understanding God’s plan for us and our relationship with God brings peace and happiness into our lives. He also talked about how developing this relationship would bring blessings to our lives and to our families. Check me out: I understood all this in Cantonese!!!

They invited her to close with a prayer. Poor girl. She didn’t know how to say no. She hesitated, and froze. The other elder who had been more quiet, spoke up then, in Cantonese no less impressive, going through the steps of prayer slowly. That was when I came in handy. I spoke up too, translating the steps into Mandarin, and telling her that it was just like talking to our father. She started. “Our dear Heavenly Father,” I prompted. And she took it from there. It was the most beautiful prayer I have ever heard. She thanked Heavenly Father for bringing her there. She told Him that she really liked this place, that what she had heard and seen had brought her peace in a time when she was facing trouble and trial and she thanked him for it. She needed my help to end, and I prompted her with “in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen” (which she didn’t really understand, but said anyway). They got her contact information for the Mandarin speaking elders, shook hands, and saw her out the door.

THAT was the highight of my day.

The spirit I felt in that place was so undeniably strong. It was quite amazing to be reminded of the power of Missionary work. I was thoroughly impressed with those missionaries who were doing everything they knew how to serve the Lord. Their humility humbled me. I only know the men who have already served missions now and I know that we treat those who seem to be stuck in missionary mode a little different, deeming them strange or maladaptive, but it’s good to be reminded of what the spirit of the Lord does to a good man. I am ever grateful for having been privy to Miao Miao’s first introduction to the gospel. I don’t know what change it will bring for her, but I know what it means to me.

7) More exploring.
It was hard to leave the familiarity of church and missionaries for the busy, unfamiliar streets of Hong Kong, but it was time to get on my way. I found myself a good place to get a bowl of Wonton noodles to warm me up from all that airconditioning. It was just like home. Mmm. I wandered back up north to the pier and took the Star ferry to Kowloon as recommended and well, here I am in an internet cafe, after wandering up and down Nathan street. What a city.

There’s more adventures. Going to stop by the temple, going to swing dance. I’m wondering if I’ll have time to go to the beach tomorrow. Either way, the adventure isn’t over yet but it’s been a wonderful one so far! Can’t wait to see what’s next!

Wow. I’m going to Hong Kong on my own. It’s finally settling in.

The last week was filled with crazy chaos as I was trying to go through all my options of where to make a visa run to and *when*.

Should I got to Singapore where the flight costs more but I can have free room and board and have a nice excuse to see my family? Or should I go to Hong Kong where the visa application process is a much more tried and true one, but have to figure out a completely new an unfamiliar place? Could I find a place to stay there that would cut the accommodation costs down and make it more worth it to go to than Singapore? Am I sure that I won’t be stuck in Hong Kong and have to spend money I don’t really have to stay there until all visa issues get settled?

And then there’s Christopher. My visa expires on the 15th, the day he is planning to be back on. Should I hurry and take care of the visa thing BEFORE he returns, or could I wait for him and leave with him? If I’m going to see my family, then it would be a great time for us to go together so he could meet them. But he flies standby… should I risk it and buy his ticket anyway? Could we decide to leave just after he got back and buy our tickets then. Is it ok to leave the day after my visa expires?

Should I take the train down to Shenzhen and cross the border to Hong Kong that way to save money? Could I really do 29 hours on the train on my own? When would I have to leave to make it there and back in good time? What would I do with my cats in the meantime?

Too many questions.

In the end, I decided that it would make the most sense to just have to bite the bullet and do it on my own (besides, did could we *really* afford to do Singapore or Hong Kong together?).

After that decision was made, I felt a little more settled and was able to start planning and looking forward to the trip. I was more than a little overwhelmed at the thought of having to deal with all these things that had cropped up while Christopher was gone. But when I remembered that this wouldn’t be my first time exploring a new city on my own (having previously done Narita, Japan, and also Stockholm, Sweden) and that I had really enjoyed it, I started to look at this trip to Hong Kong alone as something I *got* to do instead of something I *had* to do.

I have to say, I have been on the receiving end of many tender mercies in executing the planning. Mom was the first to latch on to the idea of me going to Hong Kong. She called me as soon as she read my visa laments online, had researched *EVERYTHING* about getting my visa there, had all these (and still has) recommendations for fun things to do there (which helped me change my perspective on the trip), emailed me information on ferry times, office hours for the visa etc, helped me come up with ideas and options of what to do, emailed people to try to find me cheap housing. Tried to walk me through every single place that I could visit in the short time that I have. Honestly, mothers could baby us for the rest of our lives if we let them. Mom, you’re my hero.

Everyone has been extremely helpful with offering suggestions on where to stay, reminding me of people I know are there or are going to be there while I’m there. While waiting for confirmation on various housing options, I’d researched the cheapest hostel options in Kowloon and started feeling pretty confident about finding a place that I could afford there when Nicola, i.e. an angel, finalized the details in letting me stay in their downtown corporate apartment while her and her husband are away traveling (as usual).

Basically, I’m hooked up. It feels very similar to my very first set up in Beijing.

I am filled with wonder and amazement at how things have fallen into place and am completely grateful to Heavenly Father for putting people in my path who could offer me the help I need. I feel more than a little undeserving and hope that I will ever be vigilant in paying it forward. Karma has been kind to me thus far.

I’m brushing up a little on my Cantonese - trying to figure out how to read traditional characters and pronounce them in Cantonese. I’m not sure whether I’ll speak my broken Cantonese or use Mandarin or English instead - it’s a little different for me than most foreigners because I am southern Chinese so I’ll look just like one of them without the ability to communicate like they expect me to. It should be just fine, though. Maybe a few hiccups, but nothing like Mongolia. That’s for sure. And even if so, I’m really good at Pictionary and Charades.

I have a rough itinerary for my brief stay there in mind. I’m surprising myself in how detailed my planning has been for this trip. Turns out I will be meeting Adam my swing teacher and dungeon master in town where he’ll be teaching an introductory Balboa class on Monday. *Beautiful* timing. I’ll be taking a slight trip north to Kowloon Tong to just see the LDS Temple and stopping by the chapel just across the street from the visa place to see if I can meet any members there since they have sacrament meeting there every day for the Filipina sisters. Having both a connection to church and swing makes Hong Kong feel a lot less of an unfamiliar place.

For other activities, everyone has suggestions to offer - basically I’m the one of the very few people in China that I know who hasn’t yet been. I’ll decide what to do based on how long I’ll need to spend in line at the visa office. So far it promises to be an exciting city that’s very easy to navigate and I am sure I will love it. Hong Kong is a place I’ve always imagined I’d love to live in: its culture being extremely close to home, with a mixture of Chinese and British influence, and very international. We’ll see how I take to it and vice versa. :)

Where once there was confusion and apprehension, now I am filled with reassurance and anticipation for my little Hong Kong Adventure. It’s going to be a blast!

Watch out Hong Kong, here I come!

There certainly is nothing like visa issues to remind you that you are not home here.

Home is not in the USA, even though almost all my friends are there (even my Malaysian ones). I can’t even visit without a visa. Christopher can decide to make a sudden trip back, but I need to plan just a visit at least 2 months in advance. That’s not the worst of it, though. Just the thought of all the time and hassle required for me to marry a US citizen is enough to make me want to reconsider my circumstances.

Home is certainly not China. Especially not when the Olympics are coming up. And apparently, especially not for Malaysians.

My family lives in Singapore now. Visiting can be done visa free, I think, but I’d have to leave the country and re-enter every so often. Singapore is not my home. Not to the Singaporeans, it’s not.

Funny how the only place I don’t need a visa for anything is the one place I have no interest in actually living in anymore.

Ah, the cursed state of the wanderer. Always a visitor, always a guest. Never truly at home.

I wish I could have something more to show for for all the time I’ve had on my hands in Christopher’s absence, but the truth of it is I’ve spent most of it on the computer, talking to friends I’ve not had the time to talk to in forever, but mostly cyberstalking (yes, spell check, that WILL be a word!) people I know and love and going on a crazed hunt to find all my elementary school friends who I was previously in touch with only via Friendster (which I hate going back to). I guess Facebook has finally infiltrated the Malaysian market. Good for them!

Keeping in touch with friends from past lifetimes is always an interesting experience. It’s always good to see where people end up, (as if anyone of us is ever going to reach that “end up” point).

With college friends, I’m always curious to know who they end up with - and so many of them have gotten/are getting married. It’s fun to see the pictures of those couples, to see what their happy times together are like, and to find out that they’re not divorced. And then they start having kids and cyberstalking them is less meaningful because the pictures of them disappear and the pictures of their kids (who you are sure are wonderful but you’ve never met so don’t really have an attachment to) start dominating their pages. At that point, you just check every once in a while to see if they’re pregnant again and wonder how many kids they will have together total. :) It’s good to watch them move on to the next stage and observe (from what Facebook will let you know) the kind of family they’ve built and wonder about the kinds of pictures I will post in the future.

With friends from elementary school, it’s interesting to see them using English to begin with (when we knew each other it was in Chinese school and I was one of the few that used English ever) and with all past classmates, it’s just to watch which education and career path each decided to take. Most of my friends from school belong in the middle to upper-middle class bracket in Malaysia and are almost all Malaysian Chinese. Most did really well in school (all my elementary school friends I knew from being in what was essentially the equivalent of the gifted and talented program) so that means that most of my friends have been able to go abroad for University (and they call it university while I call it college). Many are still in England or in Australia finishing up school. A good handful actually ended up doing medicine like they had talked about, few less, law (yes, I knew a very creative bunch of people). Many opted for accounting, some in engineering, some in finance etc.

What’s most interesting to me, isn’t finding out what they chose in and of itself, but mostly, it’s making comparisons and evaluating where I am in comparison to where they are with the choices they got to make.

If you take away my Asian heritage and its influence on my lifestyle, you might find that my life is somewhat comparable to many of the LDS North American people I know, but I think it’s safe to say that compared to most, if not all of my friends from school in Malaysia, my path was the most radically different from theirs. I’d always felt a cultural difference that separated me from them. One with me speaking English as a first language while they didn’t, and another with the influence the gospel has had in my life. I see clearly now that this (especially the latter) difference is fundamental and I foresee that it will become harder to compare myself with them as time goes on.

From the very beginning, while most stayed under the British education system, taking 2 extra years of college (pre-university) before moving on to getting a 4-year degree, I spent my first 8 months after high school working for my dad at his company, doing everything from telemarketing and database entry to customer support and marketing. And then it was off to BYU-Hawaii. The AMERICAN education system to study psychology with a minor in music (I guess at least I wasn’t a performing arts major - that is even more RADICALLY different from Malaysian friends because most weren’t given the option to do that from their parents). I can only think of a few others who eventually ended up there.

With the flexibility of the American education system, I left school in between when funds were low, went home and worked for Dad a little more (with more responsibility this time) and taught piano on the side. Then it was back to BYUH, working while studying (I did maintenance work for BYUH housing first and then later got a sweet job as a tour guide at the Polynesian Cultural Center).

And then, the biggest difference of all, while I started 1.5 to 2 years ahead of them education wise, I left school 2 years before I would have finished and moved to China.

So here I am in China, with what I consider an American college education, but no degree to show for, though with a large variety of work experience under my belt. Almost nobody works while they’re going to school in Malaysia so I’ve definitely got much more work experience than most. I’m one of the few (if not the only one) who is completely financially independent (if you don’t count my mom paying for the long distance phone calls because it’s cheaper) and has been for the past 2.5 years.

I love knowing that I rent my own apartment - that I can deal with real estate agents and Landlord’s on my own - and am in a position to support a small family (living frugally, of course). I am able to travel, on my own dime, to places that my friends might have gone to see only with their parents. Though I am in no sense a “self-made” person, I love the life that I’ve made for myself here in China. I am extremely happy here in my real-adult life and that is something to be proud of.

The fact that I’m working in China is something of a “Wow” factor for most Malaysians. It’s the thing to do now. If you’re working for a large company, odds are they have a branch in China and you’re pretty cool if you get sent there.

I’m not working for a large multinational company, though. I’m a teacher both by profession and by temperament. It’s not the most glamorous or prestigious job in the world, and ultimately one not as well-paid, but it’s the only job I can see myself enjoying in the long run (a job where my focus is on helping individuals progress).

I recall meeting up with my friends from elementary school for the first time in 10 years the last time I went home (Dec 2006). People hadn’t changed much: they were all still recognizable, they looked and sounded the same and had the same personalities I remembered them having as children. I was the least recognizable to them - and was actually voted the most different (I like to think that the ugly duckling finally became a swan) - because now they actually could see my eyes instead of the HUGE pair of glasses I had on my face but also because I was so shy in Chinese school that few people ever got to know me very well.

I remember going back to our school to visit the teacher that had taught us our last 2 years in school. She hadn’t changed much, only aged a little, and we - at least I - saw her differently because she wasn’t our teacher anymore and we were older now. I.e. I saw her as a person instead of that scary lady who was going to yell at me or strike me with her cane for not doing my homework (yeah, school in Malaysia back then, I tell you what).

She enjoyed hearing all about the things we were doing with our lives and I think she was very proud of where we all had ended up. She didn’t remember me at all (I think if she’d seen a picture of me when I was in her class all the memories of how she never liked me very much would all come flooding back) but she actually even complimented me on my Chinese which I found HILARIOUS because my Chinese is just as crappy as ever though my pronunciation is 100 times better than most Malaysians at this point because of my time in China (and my love for picking up new accents). Anyway, my point was this: she was so proud of where all her students had come and I realized that it was important to her to hear all of our accomplishments and quietly take them as her own because well, there she was, still a teacher at the same school since I’d been there 10 years ago. That’s about 20 years of teaching in the same place.

I felt a kind of an affinity to her then. Teaching certainly offers little to no glamor in the high-paced, materialistic world that we live in.

As much as I’d always loved my job from the very beginning, I struggled a lot with taking on the image of a preschool teacher. I really hated telling other foreigners that I’d met in China (the Chinese students, the English teachers, and the ones with cool jobs and real careers) that I taught preschool and would drop “Montessori” and “International school” to try to sell it (mostly to myself) as something much more prestigious than teaching English to a local kindergarten. I’d come from teaching English to managers of large multinational companies so there was sort of a drop in prestige (I guess now I teach their children) and I felt that becoming a preschool teacher isolated me from the rest of the world of adults and that it said to the world that I was an underachiever.

Something changed in the course of time, however. I got to know the other people I worked with and developed a huge respect for them, causing me to have to reevaluate my view of people like them, like US, to be “underachievers”. I saw how dedicated to furthering their education and improving themselves as teachers they are. Always learning something new, taking some new course, attending some training, reading books on Montessori education. I learned first-hand how difficult and demanding a job teaching young children is on ALL fronts, but also experienced how meaningful and rewarding the work is. I also saw that while classroom management is still always something I have to try hard at, teaching actually comes naturally and instinctively to me. For me, I guess, teaching preschool became more of a conscious choice than a default, it-pays-ok-and-the-work-is-not-bad-so-I-will-do-it option.

Ultimately, I have discovered that I’ve found a job wonderfully suited for me, my talents, interests and abilities, while continuing to challenge me and encourage me to develop myself as a person. I love feeling competent - I really enjoy knowing that I *do* have a good idea of what is best for my children on an individual basis, that I actually have the ability to direct their progress in a positive direction. Something that I’m developing at this job, also, that I never thought I would, is management skills. Of course, there’s personal and time management that is a constant battle for me to master, classroom management which is a LOT of work, but also actual *personnel* management. That is not something that I thought would be part of the job. But I have 4 teachers who work very closely with me in the classroom that *I* am in charge of.

That was one of the things that I struggled with my first year on the job: being in a position to LEAD my teaching assistants. There is still SO much room for improvement but it is a recent discovery for me that without thinking about it in so many terms, I am learning to be a better leader and manager and have tried hard to train, lead, direct, supervise and reward the people I work shoulder-to-shoulder with (who have EVERYTHING to do with my satisfaction with the classroom and my day at work).

As if being in charge of the academic, physical and socio-emotional well-being of 20 children isn’t responsibility enough, this is truly a part of the job that we don’t focus very much on as teachers. That along with maintaining good relationships with the parents so that they’re happy with the school (from a business standpoint) and so you can work together with them for the benef